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Thursday, 06 August 2009

Here we go again...

One more try for all the months and months that I refused to write in here...not because I didn't want to but really because I just didn't remember. Where to start?!? So much has happened...

When I last wrote, I was battling with the feelings of depression and sadness over the departure of my children from the state...little did I know that a few months later they would be back! It wasn't by mere coincidence but really because the mother and I made a mistake in judgement...and well...she was pregnant. It was a compelling reason for me to bring the family back together and take another shot at it. But I learned quickly that I was not in Kansas anymore...

Fast forward a year later (it's almost been a year since then) the baby girl is here among us. I can almost say with a bit of shame that I feel mixed emotions about the whole scenario. YES I got my kids back. YES I don't suffer the agony of not having them around. YES things seem normal...but are they? The truth of the matter is, I haven't changed at all. You know what they say, a tiger can't change it's stripes, and man...mine are drawn on with permanent marker. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever change. I think about if my father was this way...is it genetic? Is there some scientific name for the womanizer gene? Can I even blame it on heredity? The more I think about it the more questions arise, and I don't have an answer for the old ones, let alone the new problems. I wish I could go into detail about how I've been living my life like a spy for the past 9 years....how I've lied, cheated, and lied again in the name of some unknown power that compels me to keep secrets. Big lies, small lies, it makes no difference. I'm an equal opportunity con man. But I digress...

I titled this blog "here we are again" because I find myself in the same predicament. Like the old song says, "should I stay or should I go..." In my mind staying means a life time of monotonous, fake, theatre which in the end only benefits my conscience in a way that makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing. All the while underneath the charade there's a man screaming to be free, the free spirit within calls to him and begs to be set free. On the flip side, I've already experienced that "freedom" (although I was with girl at the time) it was for the most part the closest I've come to being free in, well...ever. What I meant to say was that even during that time when I was with the woman who for all intents and purposes was perfect for me (educated, beautiful, sexy, hispanic) that didn't work out. Or should I say I didn't work out. Even with that "fresh" start with my brown beauty I managed to mess that up, and I'm not really sure if it's because my conscience would not let me totally let go of the mother of my children, or if in some fucked up way...I don't think I deserve happiness. I sabotage my own relationships then go running for cover when they explode...the whole thing makes no sense to me. But why should it? I think that's all for today...I'll read over it later. Good morning!

Monday, 03 November 2008

Don't Worry...be happy...

Have you ever been in a unhealthy relationship? Does the mere thought of being alone frighten you? Depress you? Make you nervous? I think it's safe to say that at one time or another all have the inclination to be with someone. For some it is felt more than others. To some, the closeness and intimacy that a relationship brings is central to what makes them "happy". But what do you do when that becomes unhealthy? What do you do when you begin to make decisions that ultimately effect your happiness and stability? All in the name of being with another person, to feel that connection, to feel like you are no longer alone in this world you change. You go against everything that is sane and acceptable. Is it worth it? A better question would be, if you're not this emotionally dependant person...then who are you? What is your identity? As far back as you can remember you've always sought out that love and attention that you needed. Never able to find that within yourself you look to the outside world. Who are you supposed to be if not that person? Is it evil? Maybe it is evil, or maybe the hole that we seek to fill can only really be filled by ourselves, not another person. The day that you can see yourself happy, with yourself, and by yourself if need be, that is the day when you can truly offer yourself in whole. It's almost as if we offer an empty cup to another and say..."here it is...fill it up", eventually the other person will grow tired of "filling you up"...the emotionally dependant put a great strain on their partners. They are often erratic. Realize that companionship is a compliment to your being, it is not central to who you are.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Separate but Equal

Two sides
same coin
Sun and Moon
Water and Fire
Marriage of Wills
Separate but Equal
Ambivilence rules
Complete Anarchy
Relentless War
Eternal stalemate
Seek Solace
Provoke Malice
Torn Asunder
To die--to sleep--to sleep--perchance to dream

"To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to..."
Hamlet (III, i, 65-68)
I believe a couple months back I actually foretold that in August I would be sitting here again, at an ungodly hour typing on Xanga trying to find some type of solace. So here it is...
I've come to the conclusion that life is one way street. An oversized roach motel. We all check in, but we don't check out. But not just any street...the type that runs off into nowhere. It's funded by the tax dollars of your parents genes, it's nicely painted and the lines are all straight...much work and money is put into it's design and construction. However when it's all said and done, it's nothing more than a dead end. Never to return or retrace your steps, it's over. Done. Fin. In many ways I find it hard to fathom how so many people see it any other way. Without the luxary of an in depth knowledge of religions worldwide, I think it's safe to say everyone has their own version of my one way street theory. Christians believe the road is rough, and long, however piety and righteousness will guarantee the reward at the end of the road. The destination is known, however the distance isn't I guess...

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

LOL Ladies and Gentleman...my evil henchman.

:

ATTENTION XANGA: ------Lost-------
My evil henchman Random Task is missing!!
Last seen: Reading my blog
Description: Short, desperate and a loser for sure.
If anyone has seen him either stalking my page or reading my blogs 3 times a day, please let me know. The reward offered is : A Life. I'm glad I'm helping you pass your day. He's kind of shy, I know he'd like to ask me for some pointers on how to get a clue, or keep his girl for more than a month but he won't approach me . Which is fine, so if you're out there my friend, it's ok Daddy understands!

Alex